If you know or suspect that a woman is being abused, you may be unsure of how best to help her. This pamphlet gives you some tips for recognising abuse, and guidelines for helping women who are in abusive relationships.

What is Abuse?

Abuse is any pattern of behaviour that controls another person, causes physical harms or fear, makes someone do things they do not want to do, or prevents them from doing things they do want to do. Abuse can be verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, material or financial. Abused women usually experience multiple forms of abuse.

Possible Warning Signs of Abuse

• Frequent or repetitive physical injuries with poor or inconsistent explanations
• Avoiding going home or reluctant to do so
• Rushing home after work or social events
• Excessive privacy about her personal life
• Chequered work history
• Exceptional nervousness, jumpiness or fear
• Low self-esteem
• Refusal to socialise
• Cutting off contact with family and friends
• Wearing clothes that seem intended to cover injuries: dark glasses, hats, scarves, polonecks, or long sleeves, especially in warm weather

None of these signs by themselves mean that a woman is definitely being abused, but if you notice several of them, you may have cause to be concerned.

Abused Women's Survival Strategies

Battered women develop extraordinary ways of surviving the abuse. Others rarely understand these strategies because they seem unhelpful from outside the relationship. Often, a woman's survival strategies are used to reinforce the myths around battery and blame her for the abuse.

• Denial or Minimising and Making Light of the Abuse: pretending that the abuse isn't happening because it's too overwhelming to face what it means in her life
• Learning Not to Fight Back: fighting often escalates violence and causes her more harm
• Substance Abuse: can help her numb the pain
• Suicidal Thoughts or Acts: may be the only "out" or safety valve she can see
• Paralysis: not doing anything because whatever she does leads to more abuse
• Fear of Intervention From Outsiders (includes her refusing to contact the police or withdrawing charges): people who do not understand the situation often end up making it worse
• Trying to Please The Abuser, Walking on Eggshells, playing "Superwoman": attempting to prevent violent outbreaks
• Belief in Her Own Inferiority: The abuser insists that she accept his opinions and be submissive, passive, and indecisive. He needs her to be dependent and subservient so he can feel in control. If she is not, he is likely to become violent.

While these strategies can keep her alive, they also make it very hard for her to leave the relationship. Help her see the ways in which she is strong, capable and deserving, and be patient with her while she learns new ways of relating to people.

Why Won't She Leave?

At some point, you may find it difficult to continuing supporting the woman if she remains in the abusive relationship, goes back to the abuser, or withdraws charges from the police. Try to understand what's holding her in the relationship or preventing her from seeking help:

Economic and Legal Factors:

• financial dependence on the abuser
• lack of employment or skills
• fear of being unable to support the children and not receiving maintenance
• fear of losing custody of the children
• lack of alternative accommodation
• lack of knowledge of the law and her rights
• lack of faith in the police, often based on bad experiences with police in the past

• the abuser may forbid her to see people or attack her when she tries to reach out
• he may threaten to harm people she cares for
• people she turns to for help may not believe her or may blame her for what's happening

• love, pity or sorrow for her partner
• belief or hope that the abuser will change
• fear or not being able to cope on her own
• fear that the abuser may kill her if she leaves or refuses to withdraw the charge
• desensitisation to the abuse (usually when there has been a history of childhood abuse)
• low self-esteem; feelings of worthlessness; belief that she deserves the abuse
• paralysis caused by fear

• shame and embarrassment about the abuse
• desire to protect her partner, parents, children or other loved ones from the shame involved
• belief that the children need their father
• fear that she will not be believed or helped by the police, her family, or the community
• lack of support from friends, family and others
• religious or cultural values

Educate Yourself

Learn all you can about battery and woman abuse and make sure you read the accompanying pamphlet "Myths and Misconceptions about Battery". You will not be able to help a battered woman effectively unless you are well informed. You must understand and believe that the abuse is not her fault. Only the abuser is responsible for the abuse. NOBODY else is to blame.

Listen to Her

Let the woman know that you care and are willing to listen. Don't force the issue, but allow her to confide in you at her own pace. Believe her. Take her feelings and fears seriously, and validate her experience of the abuse. Do not make her feel that other considerations, such as the children, are more important than she is. Never blame her for what's happening.

Let Her Make Her Own Decisions

Don't try to rescue or save her by trying to get her out of the abusive relationship. She needs to learn to believe in her own ability to find solutions. You can't know what is best for her. Allow her the right and dignity to make her own choices. Trust her to make the right choices for herself. Tell her that you trust her. Tell her that you believe in her strengths, her capacity to survive, her abilities and her courage.

Encourage Her to Break the Isolation

Make sure she is no longer cut off from the community. Let her know that she is not alone. Share information you have about places like POWA where she can go for help. Assure her that the information she gives to any women's organisation will be strictly confidential. Remember that not all helping professionals are aware of the special circumstances of abused women. If the first person she talks to is unhelpful or blames her, encourage her to get help elsewhere.

Focus on Her Strengths

Remember that the woman has probably been emotionally abused and continually told that she is a bad wife, mother and person. Focus on her strengths and abilities. Look at what she has done to survive emotionally and physically. Give her credit for her coping mechanisms. She has survived a lot with much of herself intact and able to seek help. Support the choices she makes to show her that you believe in her strength.

Encourage Her to See the Danger and Tell Her that She Does Not Have To Live With It

Tell her that she has a right to a life free of abuse. Tell her that the battering is not her fault - she does not deserve to be beaten. The abuser is responsible for the abuse. Let her know that not everybody lives with abuse and that she is suffering physical and emotional harm. This is not to make her feel guiltier than she already does, but to confront her with the real danger she may well be in. Express concern for her safety and give her information about places like POWA where she can go for help. Never minimise threats made by the abuser. Remember that most women who are killed by their partners are killed when they try to leave.

Help Her Develop a Safety Plan

Encourage the woman to make a safety plan to protect herself and her children. Help her think through steps she will take if the abuser becomes violent again. She can arrange with a friend or neighbour that a certain signal with her phone or lights means she needs help. She may want to hide a bag with few clothes, money, keys, ID documents, etc., so that she can grab it quickly if she must go. If she must leave in an emergency, she should try to take the children with her; this will help in later custody decisions.

Follow Through on Your Offers

Don't offer or promise her things unless you're certain you can follow through. She needs people in her life who are consistent and dependable. Think carefully about what you are willing and able to give her before you tell her she can call you any time to come and fetch her, or that she can live with you as long as she needs to, etc. On the other hand, if are you certain you can make such offers, do so.

For more information or assistance, contact POWA:

People Opposing Women Abuse

We offer telephonic, face-to-face and correspondence counselling to abuse women, their family and friends. We also offer training, education and information about battery and other forms of violence against women. Services are offered in clients' home languages whenever possible.

Phone: (011) 642-4345 FAX: (011) 484-3195

Mail: POWA, PO Box 93416, Yeoville 2143